The second P is silent

You see, the Battle Ax and I have been on a diet for the last few months, and it has had a dramatic impact on my ability to deliver excellence in the lunch arena. Lunches for the most part have been mundane affairs, where I sit at my desk and feel sorry for myself. Those adventure-filled lunches of the past have taken on the muted hues of a fading dream, as if they had experienced a collective apoptosis and have been excreted from the part of my brain where lunch best practices are formulated.

I am reluctant to share with you what I’ve been eating lately because I fear you will make fun of me. Garden burgers, soy milk fruit things, and scrambled tofu. Go ahead, laugh it up. Bastards.

But this weekend was Thanksgiving, and I’ve always lived by the maxim that if you’re in the NFL draft and given the choice, you pick the best athlete available rather than simply backfilling-in the weak spots in your roster. So for lunch yesterday as we we’re driving home, I declared to the Battle Ax, “I’m going to stop at the next McDonalds and get two cheeseburgers and a cup of coffee.” She started to protest, but I just held up my hand. The decision had been made.

By the time we hit the drive-through she wanted one too, so I ordered three. We sat in the parking lot and ate them in silence with the windows rolled down. Then we made out for a few minutes before getting back on the highway.