I’ve have strong urge to ...

This will be a two-part blog, as I have two subjects I’d like to do a deep-dive on. I’m not interested in taking the 1000-foot view, and neither subject is a slam dunk.

Part 1. My Spirit-Crushing Diet
I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m not going to lie to you—I once again have the lean body of a sinewy, strapping young buck. Yet we all know how my lunch-blogging has suffered as a result. I never meant to hurt you, the most loyal and dedicated enthusiasts in the lunch blog-o-sphere. With only sporadic thought-leadership, though, it’s as if we’re clutching at each other, rudderless on the stormy seas of lunch. Unacceptable.

I’m seriously thinking about abandoning the diet, packing back on those 20 pounds, and heading straight to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard with Oreos as soon as I upload this high-quality post. You need me, and I need you. Let’s stop pretending otherwise. It’s time I put vanity aside and accepted the cross destiny has bestowed upon me to bear.

I just said bestowed.

Part 2. Offensive Auditors
We have auditors in this week. They’re holed up in a conference room and refuse to make eye contact. They emerged for lunch and sat in the kitchen all by themselves. When I went in to heat up my organic, low-fat can of minestrone and prepare my Battle Ax salad, I noticed they were flirting with each other. This made me uncomfortable. I’m certain when I was 12, which is about how old they are, I didn’t act in such a shameful manner in front of my clients. No, out of respect, I’d keep that sort of behavior confined to the janitor’s closet…but not with the janitor, of course…I mean we’d go in there, but it wasn’t like there was anybody else…god, with all those solvents and the bags of saw dust for the vomit…what was I thinking taking her in there? No wonder why she said those things afterwards. I wonder how she’s doing now. I should send her one of my Christmas update letters.

This post did not end well. It did not live up to the “high-quality” prediction I made in the third paragraph.